I tried my best to savor the moment- you, next to me, the moon, and the night sky. You with a cigarette gently placed between your lips. My eyes fixated on the half lit moon, my eyes also fixated on your careless elegance. In life we stumble across many interesting and thought provoking souls. You my dear are one of those, for me. I closed my eyes and felt instead. A kiss, a trace of the hands to the shape of your silhouette. You are a mess, darling. Your imperfections seem to make you more perfect. What is strange to me is how each time I am in your presence, there are moments that you glow like the moon, moments where I can see where you’ve been, and moments where with each passing second you look lovelier and lovelier.
I remember feeling like I couldn’t breathe. My heart would dance in my chest, perhaps my soul was waving red flags. In the rear view mirror of my car I saw sherbet colored sunsets each and every time I made my way to your doorstep. Music, laughter, by the time I would get to you I would already be far into dreamland.. and there you’d be every time waiting for me. I never for a second believed that you were real, I knew the universe had to have been fucking with me. Do you understand what it’s like to be so in love that you cannot breathe? Being with you was a constant state of being at a loss for words. We never needed words, I wish you had never spoken words to me at all because I try to fall asleep at night and all that replays in my mind is the way you would look at me and fill my ears with your lovely stories and views of the world. Despite loving you I expected nothing in return, and I have not shed a single tear. A love that was honest, urgent, raw, pure, young, wild… what could be more beautiful? I experienced falling in and out of love, it came and it went, and it was magnificent. But what no one told me is how badly it would hurt. I cannot look at the sunset in the same perspective, I cannot listen to the same music, I cannot go to dreamland without searching for you… And so every day I will drift further, and every night I will fly higher until your whispers stop echoing in my ears, and your hands stop tracing my skin. I recall the moment in which for once in my life I spoke the honest and pure truth to my existence: I loved you. Your eyes grew wide, I will never forget.
I need you to hold me as you love me. I want to feel close enough for our souls to talk and our breaths to be intertwined. For me to hear your heartbeat and to see your eyelashes flutter like butterflies in the midst of spring in full bloom. You are honeysuckle- sweet, delicious, absolutely natural, a gift from earth and mother nature herself. Will you save him for me God? I’d like to play in his sky forever.
I am fascinated by the way people’s eyes change with circumstance. Like when I found myself in Philadelphia at an art gallery and his eyes lit up when I said to him that I thought his art was the most lovely. Or when I was gazed upon from the empty eyes of a boy who feared being hurt and therefore lived without soul. I would be lying if I said that seeing him again would not make my world come to a stop. At a pier at the edge of the city I watched as he admirably and inquisitively looked onto the water, and I wished that the gentle waves would whisper to me his thoughts. He was authentically himself and that showed in the wonderful things he created and spoke of… however he lacked the confidence and strength needed to want something and take it. I was fooled by his drunken dialogue that translated to my ears as the most profound poetry, or beautiful music that speaks to your soul. I told myself again and again not to fall in love with words but then he said to me that to kiss me is to experience me spiritually. I cannot help the way I twist a handful of weeds and dandelion into fields of lavender. We spoke to each other with our eyes and when he kissed me it was urgent, and then slow. Had I never kissed him that day, in that moment, my life would never have turned upside down. I wanted to give all that I was to him, I wanted to show him my world. I wanted to ride in his car with the fucked up mirror and broken CD player until I didn’t recognize where I was anymore. When he vanished, he took a small part of me with him- the part that felt things so deeply and as free as the air. I opened my heart and soul to someone who disappeared without warning or explanation, leaving me breathless and betrayed. That version of myself died when I woke up to realize that showing someone who you are does not mean that they will love you for it, and that promises don’t mean shit. And if you ask me now who I relate the most to, it would be the broken boy with empty eyes, loving me without soul when my heart just wants to feel something.
I did love him once, I swear. My love is like a hurricane- it destroys many things in it’s wake. I loved him once and I have proof… me and him, windows down in my car, blasting music as trees waved hello and goodbye from the edge of the highway. The beginning of the end started when my soul decided to not only reach for the stars, but for the sun itself. To go beyond, to transcend. And he touched parts of my restless soul that had been dormant for quite some time… and I felt alive, and I felt electric. I did love him once, his smile once made my world pink and blue like cotton candy. However sometimes love is not enough, and I’m sorry that we no longer fit together like the waves and the shore.
I have fallen in love many times. I’ve loved a boy with a girlfriend, I loved the power that I possessed when I got him alone. I loved my childhood best friend, I will remember our youth and radiance forever. I loved my first pony, her brown and reddish hair blended together like a chocolate sunrise. I loved making intimate eye contact with strangers, and seeing into their souls. I loved the place in which I spent my high school years, the trees would turn from brilliant green to vibrant yellow and my hair would dance with the wind and sun. I loved Sunday, and my mother’s cooking. I’ve loved many things… but darling, oh darling, I’ve never loved anything more magnificent than you.
There’s something about him that I love so fucking much. He’s so sweet and adorable and pure, so fucking pure. He speaks and he means what he says. He says I love you and I know that he does with every inch of his wild, brilliant soul. He is so honest and he amazes me. Could it be that someone actually saw through the wall of ice leading to my heart? Frozen pieces of time, memories, and hurt encapsulated and fossilized inside of me blocking the entrance to my heart. My heart is as pure as his but I have jungles and mazes and wildflowers… planets and stars and galaxies standing in the way of it. I suppose despite all of that, he thought I was worth it. That’s crazy.
Sometimes there are butterflies in my head and they dance around and sing pretty songs. I am typically in my own world without regard to others around me. If someone is fortunate enough for me to let them into my world then they would know what I mean. It’s crazy how people can be 1000 miles away but still see the same sun. Do you watch the same sunrise as me? Do you see the magnificent orange and pink like I do? Do we see the same night sky with stars reflecting off of the moon like a fun-house? These are thoughts that I have.
This morning I woke before him and the sun had already risen high into the sunday morning sky. I woke before him and watched him sleep, paying attention to every detail. His eyes would flutter and move around under their lids, and his lips would curl into a very subtle smile – was he dreaming of me? I love him and because of that, to me he is perfect. The freckles on his nose tells me that the sun loves him but not nearly as much as I do. His hair is dark brown like my favorite chocolate and his eyes are amber and wild. They turn green when he is in certain light like a kaleidoscope. I woke before him and fell in love with him all again just by watching him sleep.